Head in the Clouds

Starting with Silence

What can you do when you're so overwhelmed you don't know what to do? (When this happens to me, I picture myself as a frantic squirrel, darting in all directions without accomplishing anything.)

This six-minute video by Jim Kitzmiller (which I found when searching for online guided meditations) lays out what looks to be a helpful, four-step framework—a structure you can use when your own brain isn't providing structure.

In case six minutes sounds too long, here's a quickie overview:

1. Start with silence. Kitzmiller suggests a brief meditation. Taking a short walk, connecting briefly with nature (if only by looking out the window), saying a prayer, or even just taking a few deep breaths could also work.

2. Pick a helpful action to perform. "If we're in a state of overwhelm," Kitzmiller says, "it doesn't make a big difference what action we ... pick." And there's something to be said for getting something—anything—done when you're overwhelmed. I know it can help me get unstuck.

3. Do it. Notice this is just one of the steps along the way!

4. Congratulate yourself. This helps increase confidence and self-esteem, says Kitzmiller, and I agree. It's so easy to skip this step, especially if your accomplishment pales in comparison to what you still have to do. But I'm an advocate of celebrating every baby step, even when it doesn't seem like much to the non-ADD world. Maybe especially when it doesn't.

After taking these four steps, you begin again with silence.

I've put up a page on this blog with links to online guided meditations, and Kitzmiller has some of his own up on his YouTube channel.

Procrastinating about Donating?

Here's an embarrassing confession: When I did a big home-office cleanup recently, one of the things I found, buried in piles of paper, was a stuffed UNICEF box from a couple Halloweens ago. I was never in danger of mistaking the money for my own. But UNICEF could have put it to good use long ago.

Weeks after I found it, though, the box was still sitting around, because I kept forgetting to have my daughter count the money. But the earthquake in Haiti gave me a sense of urgency. I had her count the cash a couple days ago, and I've donated the sum online, plus a bit extra. A little bit of help for Haiti. And one more undone task off my shoulders. 

When the earthquake first hit, I wanted to donate something myself right away. People were e-mailing and tweeting and sharing on Facebook the names of effective charities working in Haiti.  But it was a lot of names, and I was in danger either of spending way too much time researching who to give my small donation to or of procrastinating and not doing a thing.

A phrase I'd learned years ago from my ex helped me: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. When my Facebook buddy Barack Obama suggested texting HAITI to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and did it right then. Easy. Not the perfect, fully researched decision, but a good thing to do. And it's one less undone task to add to my burden.

In case you've procrastinated, it's not too late. After the emergency relief effort, Haiti will still need help rebuilding. Here's a list of organizations responding to the disaster in Haiti, assembled by NPR. 

I Have a Dream Too

I decided to reprint this post from a year ago.

Last night, I listened to Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech on YouTube. And I realized that I have a dream too.

I have a dream that no child with ADD will grow up thinking he or she is stupid, lazy, ditzy, or just plain bad.

I have a dream that no child with ADD will look into an adult’s eyes and receive in return a disparaging look.

I have a dream that all children with ADD will grow up unashamed of who they are.

I have a dream that no child will be told they “just” need to sit still or try harder or pay attention.

I have a dream that the general public will come to understand that ADD involves a complex interaction of multiple genes and environmental factors, some of which people can control and some of which they can’t.  

I have a dream that all people with ADD will recognize their own strengths and learn how to build on them.

I have a dream that every couple affected by ADD will find compassion for each other and the ability to see and build on their positives as individuals and as a team.

I have a dream that when a couple affected by ADD divorce, they get the support they need to do so with respect, creating a healthy new relationship as former partners and, if applicable, co-parents. 

I have a dream that when children act in challenging ways, people will know enough not to assume bad parenting is to blame.

I have a dream that when people with ADD struggle in their jobs, their superiors will not automatically judge or fire them, but will instead confront them with understanding, patience, and resources to help them perform better. Alternatively, I wish struggling workers the means to discover career paths that are better fits.

I have a dream that people with ADD who are in jail or prison will be treated with love, understanding, and the help they need.

I have a dream that people with ADD who also have addictions will find freedom in recovery.

I have a dream that when people set boundaries around negative ADD behaviors, they do so with love and compassion as well as honesty.

I have a dream that people will learn to see the complexity of ADD instead of the black and white.

I have a dream that people with and without ADD will not criticize each other’s styles, but instead dovetail their complementary strengths to do good work.

I have a dream that people will someday share openly the fact that they have ADD, matter-of-factly and without shame or embarrassment. 

I have a dream that someday the terms ADD and ADHD will be replaced with a name that accurately reflects both the challenges and the positives of the condition.

I have a dream that someday all people with ADD will have access to the tools and support they need to be able to contribute to the world and live in accordance with their values.

I have a dream that the world will learn to celebrate not only racial and ethnic diversity, but neurodiversity as well.

We’ve elected and inaugurated our first black president. Who knows what else is possible!

What dreams do you have?

Stigma and ADD

 The challenges that confront people with ADD/ADHD, says Canadian college student Joseph Uranowski, are real and serious. And those problems are only compounded when society tells people with ADD "repeatedly, emphatically and flippantly that their condition is some sort of trifling joke." His blog post on stigma and ADD is worth a read. Gina Pera, author of Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?, has left an interesting comment on the post as well, about ways to counteract that stigma.

On Time with the Cello

I set two countdown timers one morning back before winter break, one upstairs and one downstairs. I got dressed well before the last minute. I had a quick bowl of cereal and put off taking my vitamins until later. I really wanted to be on time.

I was headed to my daughter’s first orchestra concert at school. I didn’t have to get her to school that morning; she was at her dad’s. But I had her cello. A Post-it note I'd stuck on my computer keyboard read “Have cello there by 9:20!!!”

When I locked the front door, I knew I was on track to get to the school on time. But as I lugged the cello down the sidewalk, I checked my watch a few times. And as I picked my way over and around the icy snow on the school’s field, I checked the time on my cell phone.

So much planning, effort, vigilance, and anxiety just to be on time. No wonder I’m often not. But—success!—that morning I walked in the front door of the school a bit before 9:20.

Then I got the news: The strings teacher was on his way to Florida. His father’s health had taken a bad turn in the wee hours. The orchestra concert had to be postponed.

Aaargh! All that effort for nothing!

And the thing is, people had known in time to get the word out. But no one used the fifth-grade e-mail list. And my ex, who found out when he dropped our daughter off, forgot to call me. The woman at the front desk was phoning people when I arrived, but she hadn't had time to get through to all the families.  

I write this not so much to complain (although I am complaining), but to note how strong my reaction is when things like this happen—when other people are forgetful or disorganized or just don’t think, and when that costs me time and energy.

Of course, I can be forgetful and disorganized and spacey myself. And I know people are doing their best. So why do I feel like lying down and kicking and crying when something like this happens? (Hard to do with a cello on your back, I know.)

I think it’s because I already have so much trouble with time management and getting things done. I hate it when other people add to the burden. 

Sometimes I’ve felt as if the theft of time bordered on the criminal. A mortgage scenario a few years ago was a sort of comedy of errors on the part of the mortgage company, except it created huge amounts of work, anxiety, and aggravation for me and others. (The company in question is now defunct.) And a current post-toilet-flood homeowners-insurance situation is dragging on and on. Those situations have felt like nightmares to me, even though I haven't exactly been in danger of losing my home to the flood or the morgage company.

The morning of the cancelled cello concert, I processed my feelings not only by writing the first draft of this post, but by counting my blessings. I have a wonderful daughter, even thought she rarely practices the cello. I'm able to remind my ex politely to call me next time. We haven’t at this point terminally damaged the $875 rented cello. I have a house and stuff in it and insurance on the house and the stuff. And, for god's sake, my dad is in decent health.

I also reminded myself that I'd soon forget about the whole thing. Which I have—or will as soon as I put up this post.

How about you? Anybody out there react strongly to situations like this?

Since you'll likely miss my daughter's rescheduled performance, you'll have to settle for cellist Yo-Yo Ma playing tango music:

And here's Yo-Yo Ma performing "Hush Little Baby" along with with Bobby McFerrin, Mark O'Connor, and Edgar Meyer:

If you want to listen to one more by Yo-Yo Ma, this version of "The Swan" by Saint-Saens is lovely!