We were sitting around a table in the conference room, all the psychotherapists at the agency, plus me, a counseling student doing my internship. The psychologist who came in regularly to lead our group supervision was commenting on a client. And he said something he was to repeat many times while I was there—something that has stuck with me all the years since.
“Things are just the way they’re supposed to be.”
He didn’t mean things were the way we’d like them to be. Maybe the client in question was threatening suicide or having panic attacks or had lost it again with his wife.
But people don’t do these things out of the blue, the psychologist kept pointing out. In each client’s story were reasons why he or she was experiencing difficulties—everything from genes and brain chemistry to family-of-origin issues and relationship patterns to stressors and substances.
Understand why things are the way they are, the psychologist reminded us, and you’re less likely to feel surprised or annoyed or hopeless. You’re more likely to be able to help.
So, take a genetic predisposition to ADD. Mix in optional lead paint and cigarette smoke and maybe some attachment issues. Add societal pressure to sit still and be organized, to be on time and be steadily productive. Top the whole thing off with a good dollop of shame. Let it simmer, maybe for years. Given all that, those of us with ADD are right where we’re supposed to be.
Once we accept that—when we stop thinking that we (or our loved ones) should be some other way—we’re less likely to feel surprised or annoyed or hopeless. We’re more likely to seek out tools and support. We’re also more likely to see our own (or our loved ones’) positives—things like imagination and enthusiasm and creativity. And when we experience acceptance, we’re on the road to compassion—compassion both for ourselves and for others.
So things are just the way they’re supposed to be. Ironically, accepting that can help us make things better.