Head in the Clouds

A New Book and a Success Story

Here’s a review of a book I haven’t read and an ADD success story all in one.

Well, I did read a little of the book—what pieces I could peruse on Amazon. It’s Edward Hallowell and Peter Jensen’s new Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child. Based on how choked up I got reading the first chapter and how inspired I felt when I asked Amazon to surprise me, I give the book a thumbs-up.

And here’s the success story, as Hallowell tells it in Superparenting:

I went to high school with a kid who got mostly Cs and Ds and sometimes Fs. It took him five years to complete the four-year curriculum. He couldn’t do math, he couldn’t do foreign languages, he couldn’t spell. Socially, he compensated by making jokes about how stupid he was. Finally he graduated by the skin of the teeth.

This young man was John Irving, who grew up to be a celebrated novelist. Here’s what Hallowell attributes Irving’s success to:

From all that I have learned about his life, it was because of love. His two parents never lost faith in him. They always believed in him. And rather than fussing too much over his poor grades and other shortcomings, they put their energy into supporting his strengths, one of which was wrestling.

In their psychiatric practices, here’s the advice Hallowell and Jensen give parents whose children are having difficulties:

“Hang in there. Keep loving him. Keep showing up. Keep trying. Keep setting limits, offering new ideas, making deals, wrestling with one catastrophe after another. Just don’t give up. Don’t write him off. One day all your love and all your efforts—and his—will pay off.”

I love hearing psychiatrists talk about love.

Here are two more books I haven’t read that tell stories about real people with ADD—not all of them famous—who’ve achieved different types of success. One is Positively ADD: Real Success Stories to Inspire Your Dreams, by Catherine Corman and Edward Hallowell. It’s geared toward kids, but it sounds like it could be a great read for adults as well. The second book is ADD Success Stories: A Guide to Fulfillment for Families with Attention Deficit Disorder, by another one of my favorite ADD authors, Thom Hartmann. I’ve put links to all three books over on the right under “Reads.”

I Have a Dream Too

Last night, I listened to Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech on YouTube. And I realized that I have a dream too.

I have a dream that no child with ADD will grow up thinking he or she is stupid, lazy, ditzy, or just plain bad.

I have a dream that no child with ADD will look into an adult’s eyes and receive in return a disparaging look.

I have a dream that all children with ADD will grow up unashamed of who they are.

I have a dream that no child will be told they “just” need to sit still or try harder or pay attention.

I have a dream that the general public will come to understand that ADD involves a complex interaction of multiple genes and environmental factors, some of which people can control and some of which they can’t.  

I have a dream that all people with ADD will recognize their own strengths and learn how to build on them.

I have a dream that every couple affected by ADD will find compassion for each other and the ability to see and build on their positives as individuals and as a team.

I have a dream that when a couple affected by ADD divorce, they get the support they need to do so with respect, creating a healthy new relationship as former partners and, if applicable, co-parents. 

I have a dream that when children act in challenging ways, people will know enough not to assume bad parenting is to blame.

I have a dream that when people with ADD struggle in their jobs, their superiors will not automatically judge or fire them, but will instead confront them with understanding, patience, and resources to help them perform better. Alternatively, I wish struggling workers the means to discover career paths that are better fits.

I have a dream that people with ADD who are in jail or prison will be treated with love, understanding, and the help they need.

I have a dream that people with ADD who also have addictions will find freedom in recovery.

I have a dream that when people set boundaries around negative ADD behaviors, they do so with love and compassion as well as honesty.

I have a dream that people will learn to see the complexity of ADD instead of the black and white.

I have a dream that people with and without ADD will not criticize each other’s styles, but instead dovetail their complementary strengths to do good work.

I have a dream that people will someday share openly the fact that they have ADD, matter-of-factly and without shame or embarrassment. 

I have a dream that someday the terms ADD and ADHD will be replaced with a name that accurately reflects both the challenges and the positives of the condition.

I have a dream that someday all people with ADD will have access to the tools and support they need to be able to contribute to the world and live in accordance with their values.

I have a dream that the world will learn to celebrate not only racial and ethnic diversity, but neurodiversity as well.

We’ve elected and inaugurated our first black president. Who knows what else is possible!

What dreams do you have? I invite you to comment.

And here’s another video I found on YouTube last night: “Ten Other Things Martin Luther King Said.” The first three quotes seem particularly appropriate for us creative, big-picture ADD types! (All the words spoken are quotes from King.)

A sweet, idealistic song from my youth was going through my head after I put this post up, so I thought I'd add it here. It's John Sebastian singing "I Had a Dream" at Woodstock. (You might want to ignore the visuals!)

Social Networking for ADDers

I've just joined two social networking sites for people with ADD. So far, they seem like a great way to connect with other ADDers, as one of the sites calls us. But seems like hanging out there can also take up a lot of time—beware!

The two sites are ADDer World, set up by auther Bryan Hutchinson, and Women with ADHD, created by psychotherapist and author Terry Matlen and ADD coach Tara McGillicuddy.

Maybe see you there!

Thank-You Notes Finished

We put all the thank-you notes in the mail a couple days ago. No, they weren't for Christmas presents. They were for the presents my daughter got from her friends at her ninth birthday party.

Her birthday is in April. 

There are a million reasons why we didn't do the notes way last spring or even, say, in September: busyness, forgetfulness, my daughter's distaste for writing, and having to find the list of who gave what.

In the end, my daughter designed a note on the computer with a photo of her on horseback and the basic words already in place: "Dear _____, Thank you for the _____. Sorry I am a little late with this." Serendipidously, I found the missing list. My daughter crossed out "a little" and replaced it with "very" on each note and added a sentence telling why she liked the particular gift. I stamped and addressed.

But here was the biggest accomplishment for me: I didn't get into shame about the whole thing, the way I would have a few years ago. Back then, embarrassment might have stopped me from helping my daughter do the gracious, albeit late, thing. Now I can laugh about doing it a full nine months late.

As my daughter wrote in purple and pink at the top of her custom-designed, horse-themed thank-you notes, yee-haw!

FLYing by Blog

The FlyLady is now blogging, here!

Head in the Sand

“Money is stupid.” I read that on a bumper sticker a couple years ago. The driver of the car to which it was affixed was probably a lot younger than I am. This is a college town, after all.

But I totally agreed with the sentiment.

And maybe that’s all I’ll say about the topic of personal finance before I thrust my head back into the sand.

OK, actually, I’ve got to give myself credit for taking my head out of the sand on a few occasions. To redo a mortgage (I studied enough to save us from signing up for a really bad one, in the process learning what negative amortization means). To look at divorce-related finances (I can now tell you in detail why some of my state’s child-support formulas don’t fit for everyone). To set up a system for paying bills (I actually use it, at least most of the time).

Still, I need a lot of help. Like, really a lot. If you do too, here are a few resources.

• Another blog is what got me thinking about the topic of money (not that my own financial worries don’t weigh on me all the time, even when my head is in the sand—funny how that works). The blog is Adult ADD and Money, and it’s about nothing but ADD and personal finance.

• If you have ADD, you’re likely just as disorganized with your money as with the rest of your life. You’re certainly not alone. Here’s a CHADD article on adult ADD and finances.

• For those of us with ADD, it can be helpful to use really simple systems to track money. Here's a short article in ADDitude magazine on simplifying finances.

• You don’t have to be a compulsive spender or in debt to get help from Debtors Anonymous (DA), a twelve-step group. DA also helps people with underearning, poor saving habits, and vagueness and chaos around money. (Um, any of that sound as familiar to you as it does to me?) The combination of structure and nonjudgmental support can be really useful for those of us with ADD. It may be worth a try if you're having trouble implementing all those great suggestions in the other resources.

Keeping It Simple

My sister gave me a sage piece of parenting advice when my daughter was little: Be careful what traditions you start.

What she meant was this: Say you get a permit to troop through the snow and cut down a Christmas tree out in the forest. You string popcorn and cranberries to decorate it, and each family member makes a new clay ornament. You cut out whole-wheat sugar cookies in the shapes of bells and trees and reindeer, and you decorate them with frosting that you color yourself with natural ingredients. You invite a bunch of family and friends and neighbors over for homemade shiitake-mushroom-and-nut-butter soup and rosemary bread made from scratch, and you practice piano accompaniments ahead of time for caroling around the tree.

I’d love to do all that stuff! What fun! And maybe I actually will someday, although not all in the same year. 

But I’m also keeping in mind my sister’s advice. Do this kind of thing a time or two, and your children—or partner or other family members or friends—might become attached to what have now become cherished family traditions. Simplifying becomes more complicated. Sometimes it’s easier to decide what’s most important from the beginning

When I was growing up, my parents owned a clothing store on the main street of our town. Every year before Christmas, they worked many days in a row. When they finally closed the doors just a bit early on the 24th, they wanted to do something special for the family when they got home. But they didn’t have the energy to do much more than put their feet up.

So we started having crab, French bread, and our favorite canned split pea soup for dinner every Christmas Eve. After that, we’d open one present each. It was easy, fun, and festive.

My sister and I left home a few decades ago. The clothing store has been closed for over fifteen years. But my sister still has crab and French bread and split pea soup for all of us on Christmas Eve. Then we open one present each. After that, we put our feet up and enjoy each other’s company. Which is, after all, the most important thing.

I simplified a lot this year. I didn’t so much as take out our little faux tree and our small box of ornaments and the clay angel I made in kindergarten. We were going to be with my family in California anyway, enjoying my parents’ tree and my sister’s tree. “Awwwww,” my daughter said when I told her I wasn't going to put ours up. That was all, though. Maybe it helped that I’d taken the tree down from last year not so very long ago—in July.

On Christmas Eve, my sister’s  tree had nothing but chili lights on it. I guess she was simplifying too. Of course, it didn't put any kind of damper on our evening at all. The tree looked cheery, and my college-age nephew and teenage niece threw a few ornaments on the next day. 

How do you keep things simple around the holidays you celebrate?