Out of the (Cluttered) Closet

Part of me didn’t want to tell my parents about my ADD. I was afraid they’d dismiss it as some kind of flaky psychobabble or tell me that ADD was just an excuse for all the ways I’ve never had my act together.

But, even into my thirties and forties, my parents kept saying things like “Why don’t you just get up and start work at 8 a.m. and work for eight hours” or “Why don’t you just add up how long it takes you to get ready to go out.” I was longing for them to understand why, even though their ideas made sense, it wasn’t quite so easy to implement them. 

And, even more importantly, every once in a while my mom would say, with a sigh, something like “I guess we never taught you to manage your finances.” I wanted to let my parents know that my challenges are due in large part to my genes, plus who-knows-what environmental factors. That my brain actually works differently from the average brain. Mostly, I wanted them to know that my flakiness is not their fault.

Since my mom and dad were both approaching eighty, I figured I'd better not procrastinate for too long. So, after sitting on the couch with the phone in my lap for many minutes one day, I finally dialed. My dad answered. I probably talked fast. I told him all I knew at the time about ADD in adults, ADD in women, ADD in girls.

When I finally stopped, he thought a little. Then he said the perfect thing.

“That explains a lot.”

In what ways have people validated or invalidated your experience with ADD, or a loved one’s experience? Join in the conversation!

Comments

[Verna Wilder]

Congratulations on telling your parents about your ADD, Kathleen. While I don't have that particular challenge, I do know what it's like to live with depression and to decide on a case by case basis who I tell and who I don't tell. I have friends who are bipolar, and I'm learning a lot about not making assumptions about people based on certain behavior. And I am grateful that they trusted me enough to tell me. You've given your father a gift while doing a good thing for yourself.

[Rosemary Carstens]

ADD is not one of my personal challenges, either, Kathleen, but I can certainly identify with parents who don't "get" who you are. I've lived with that all my life and it's been a sadness for me. I've reached the stage where I realize I can grieve for what I've never had, but I can also be thankful that there are a few other people who do acknowledge me and appreciate me for who I am instead of wondering why the hell I can't act like "normal" people! --Rosemary Carstens
http://artistspotlight.blogspot.com

[Shari Phiel]

A few years back, I was working at a fairly large company with a highly diverse group of employees. I worked in corporate finance, with a highly detailed, organized group of people - perfect for this kind of work. All except for my boss. He had ADD and I do not. Although we had some challenges working together at first, I found his ability to work on multiple projects, moving from one to the next to the next and then back to the first a liberating experience. He taught me to let go of some of the "rules" that had become embedded in my brain and style of work.

And some days he just plain drove me crazy.

Congratulations on having the courage to discuss this with your family. No matter what, they're never easy conversations to have.

[Elsi Dodge]

How good to hear about adult ADD, which is mostly ignored. "You'll grow out of it" or "huh?" seem to be the most frequent reactions to adults with ADD, which is hardly fair. Talking with your parents can be freeing—congratulations!